My trip to New England really put things into perspective for me. I really love it up there! i realized that i lost site of who i am the past few months. i was too busy following him around i forgot who i was and what i really wanted out of life.
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| me in boston =) |
there are so many things i can go off on tangents on but i'm going to try and focus! haha damn adhd! well for starters i realized the most important things i learned i forgot the past few months while i was with him. He became the center of my world practically! i realize this now.... i changed, bent over backwards, for him and what did i get in return....nothing really something to fill the void i suppose. the feeling were real do not get me wrong but maybe it was the thought of him and not specifically him? at least that is what i have concluded to. it makes better sense that way.
he called me last night and i've been ruminating through my head play by play second by second what happened.... i mean why am i torturing myself letting him get the best of me and taking more of my precious time....i have to stop this easier said than done but i know this is what i have to do.
i mean after i spoke to him i cried which was a relief i hadn't cried over it since i watched him leave. HE LEFT ME! i have to keep that in the forefront of my mind. he chose to leave he decided long before he told me that he wanted to go he already left....see i am making this all make sense these are the answers to my questions or something....thank you 500 days of summer for putting things in a realistic POV....and shout out to mama monster aka lady gaga the shit she sings and says my god it is amazing!!! i love her...and taylor swift and the other "gotta get through this" & "heartbreak" songs...lol (some i have been listening to ... Sara Bareilles - gravity & king of anything, taylor swift fearless CD, ciara - never ever, pink - funhouse cd, rihanna - rehab, hard, and whatever else is on my vevo playlist!) one super song i cam across is i pray for you - jaron and the long road to love
music video - i think i also posted this dunno how to work share buttons in youtube
anyway back to what i learned.....
i learned
- cannot tolerate bullshit or drama
- i need consideration respect and love
- i will not settle for good enough i want the best i want the world i know i deserve it
- excuses are excuses
- what responsibility and commitment really mean to me
- i have to stop wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to red flags
- i will know when
- i have to live my life
- i will no longer wait around and then feel like shit for doing so
- i will not fucking compromise myself and everything i believe in
that is all i can think of for now not much of a long list because i am getting sleepy haha i hate getting up early blah! and it's his stupid bday tomorrow ciao i will write soon xxxo
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