there are no words

i can't even begin to express how i feel...i have this pit in my stomach feeling....i am not sure what to do....i miss him i miss his touch his kiss his smell i miss the way he strokes my hair with his fingers and the way he asks me to scratch his arms 

like in the book Eat Pray Love:  "Miss Him, Love Him, Clear your mind send him love and light then drop it"

I am sending him love and light multiple times a day....somedays i pray that i make it through i wonder what he is doing how he can sleep at night and how he made it through those first weeks and is still making it without me he said he was my penguin and i his albatross....deep in my heart i hope it is still true....i loved you enough to let you free do what you have to do and someday if it is right you will come back if it is the will of the divine universe or God or something....

I am not sure where this post is going but i am hoping you read this....it isn't fair that you can contact me and i can't contact you....you can get to me when you want and i can't to you.....it is so frustrating

you promised you would fight for me and where did that go....an empty promise you showed me.....is it selfish of me to want to keep living despite the pain....despite of how broken my heart is....despite the fact that I LOST ALL MY FAITH IN LOVE! love for me anyway....it exists but i don't think for me...last friday when i heard from you it was like we broke up all over again i cried i cried so much i ached for you i ached for the way you just held me and took everything away and made it better....i thought everything was fine you pulled the rug right out from under me and just like a dream i woke up....

There are many songs i listen to you on the regular to help me move past this.....i just don't understand how i let you break my heart again....and still i feel for you....my heart can't move on as quickly as i will it to....not as quick as you think i try to stay busy so i do not think of you you consume my thoughts and it is like i am paralyzed wondering what i did wrong....and i will never understand like you said....and i don't think you will ever understand why i have to do what i have to despite of how much i love you all i know and all i keep playing in my head was when you said "i am not happy"  i knew i had lost you for good....

i wish i could just speak to you explain my previous posts were mere writings of a heart broken girl.  right now i am in limbo....part of me wants to reconcile everything but the other can't forget how quickly you left without even a mere fight for what i thought was a once in a lifetime love....i still try to understand and make sense of it all but i can't live like that wondering the what ifs and trying to fix the broken mirror so to speak....

I am a bucket filled with emotions right now....I just want to talk we both need closure....or some kind of understanding.....in a perfect world that would happen right? but till then i guess this, blogging my emotions as they come, will do...

i hope you read this and make the time for me.....that video before this post if you see the emotions they have and listen to the lyrics it is something everyone has been through....i know i am going through it now....