trip lee - looking for love

come away with me

I haven't written in awhile, I have been busy.  I have a big midterm today and I am nervous.  That isn't why I am writing though.  I am writing because I have been meaning to post this video which I will do after I write.  I am sitting in my "2nd home"  and I just can't help but just let things pour out.

I have been analyzing my life and what matters to me.  One main thing is love.  A life without love would be an empty hollow shell it would be meaningless and sad.  I found love but not through just anyone....I found to love myself and found a deeper more meaningful love with the God of my understanding.  Ever since the ending of my last relationship it caused me to really analyze everything.   what i want out of my life.  what i can tolerate and what i can't.  i realized that i compromised a lot of myself in order to make that person happy.  i couldn't understand why that was a pattern in my life until recently.  Knowing the God of my understanding has helped enlighten me.  through knowing him i have come to realize i can't be with anyone until my heart is healed.  I have to love myself deeper and have a deeper relationship with God.  He has to heal my heart and through that I will find the person i will be with for the rest of my life.  I plan on the next person i am with to be the last.  I know this is God's will.  So for now i will keep working on myself and my relationship with the God of my understanding and through his i have faith everything will fall into it's proper place....now back to studying =)

John legend ordinary people with lyrics (on screen)

i don't know.....i just need to take a step back and keep my focus everything happens for a reason take my own advice....love myself and all will fall into place....i will see in february

Carrie Underwood - This Time (with lyrics)

my heart is burstin at the seams! ah

Breakeven, The Script / The Only Exception, Paramore

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

I read this story with my friend while in Massachusetts. It is amazing story and i hope you get inspired just like i did when i read it with my friend =)

lesson learned

"You have to let go of being a victim and accept your part and what you've done. You have to know that people will only do to you what you allow them to. That under no circumstances can you change someone. You are going to fall, have heartache, and pain but thats life you cant have a testimony without a test. So for every test you pass theres a new strength you gain and for every test you fail well its another lesson learned."

ALICIA KEYS ft JOHN MAYER - lesson learned

Que Sera - Wax Tailor

inspire me

i speak in songs....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZULyhfQmCg


last one and i am done for the night i swear....

Love This Pain by Lady Antebellum lyrics

alright i can't stand how i can't get him out of my fucking head i don't even know like he didn't call i expected it so why is it still bugging me....ughhh this is so frustrating

foolish games

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,

Somebody who gave a damn,

Somebody more like myself.

These foolish games are tearing me apart,

And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

You're breaking my heart.

i keep trying to make everything make sense why do i keep doing this to myself....love you are such a complex thing

why am i not surprised...

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. " -Benjamin Franklin

I Know You Won't - Carrie Underwood Music Video

i know you won't - carrie underwood

i kinda have this hope that maybe this time you will prove me wrong and actually call

i can't concentrate

 we are supposed to speak later i am so scared not sure what to feel i don't know my heart or head ....



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY

Someday When I Stop Loving You

amazing song.....i really think carrie underwood struck gold making this song!

i can totally relate to this and i promise this is the last one for today

Kellie Pickler - One Last Time

this song is what i feel now....

couldn't sleep

i couldn't sleep at all last night and when i finally did i overslept....i had too many thoughts of everything from my failed relationship to school to work and to where i go from here.

I kept listening to sappy love songs too.... i am trying not to be angry....i hate that i can't talk to you....and you always come outta left field....all this time and we still haven't even had a conversation....

and i hate that i am at work and have to dispose of these thoughts and that you cloud my mind i wonder what you're doing who you are with if you are safe ....

when i saw those pictures i had to delete you....i couldn't deal with seeing you happy without me...like i never existed, like i didn't matter, like we never loved at all...how quick you were to move on

i don't know what to do anymore or how to feel.....i feel so hurt but i know that if i didn't let you go it would prove i was selfish and didn't really love you

love is wanting the other person happy with or without you....you chose to be without me.....

i have to stop....i will write later....i just wish to talk to you

there are no words

i can't even begin to express how i feel...i have this pit in my stomach feeling....i am not sure what to do....i miss him i miss his touch his kiss his smell i miss the way he strokes my hair with his fingers and the way he asks me to scratch his arms 

like in the book Eat Pray Love:  "Miss Him, Love Him, Clear your mind send him love and light then drop it"

I am sending him love and light multiple times a day....somedays i pray that i make it through i wonder what he is doing how he can sleep at night and how he made it through those first weeks and is still making it without me he said he was my penguin and i his albatross....deep in my heart i hope it is still true....i loved you enough to let you free do what you have to do and someday if it is right you will come back if it is the will of the divine universe or God or something....

I am not sure where this post is going but i am hoping you read this....it isn't fair that you can contact me and i can't contact you....you can get to me when you want and i can't to you.....it is so frustrating

you promised you would fight for me and where did that go....an empty promise you showed me.....is it selfish of me to want to keep living despite the pain....despite of how broken my heart is....despite the fact that I LOST ALL MY FAITH IN LOVE! love for me anyway....it exists but i don't think for me...last friday when i heard from you it was like we broke up all over again i cried i cried so much i ached for you i ached for the way you just held me and took everything away and made it better....i thought everything was fine you pulled the rug right out from under me and just like a dream i woke up....

There are many songs i listen to you on the regular to help me move past this.....i just don't understand how i let you break my heart again....and still i feel for you....my heart can't move on as quickly as i will it to....not as quick as you think i try to stay busy so i do not think of you you consume my thoughts and it is like i am paralyzed wondering what i did wrong....and i will never understand like you said....and i don't think you will ever understand why i have to do what i have to despite of how much i love you all i know and all i keep playing in my head was when you said "i am not happy"  i knew i had lost you for good....

i wish i could just speak to you explain my previous posts were mere writings of a heart broken girl.  right now i am in limbo....part of me wants to reconcile everything but the other can't forget how quickly you left without even a mere fight for what i thought was a once in a lifetime love....i still try to understand and make sense of it all but i can't live like that wondering the what ifs and trying to fix the broken mirror so to speak....

I am a bucket filled with emotions right now....I just want to talk we both need closure....or some kind of understanding.....in a perfect world that would happen right? but till then i guess this, blogging my emotions as they come, will do...

i hope you read this and make the time for me.....that video before this post if you see the emotions they have and listen to the lyrics it is something everyone has been through....i know i am going through it now....

Faith Hill - Like We Never Loved At All (Video)

Pray for You - Jaron and The Long Road to Love :: Official Video

i've been meaning to write.....

i've been meaning to write the past few days but haven't had a chance to.

My trip to New England really put things into perspective for me.  I really love it up there! i realized that i lost site of who i am the past few months.  i was too busy following him around i forgot who i was and what i really wanted out of life.

me in boston =)

there are so many things i can go off on tangents on but i'm going to try and focus! haha damn adhd! well for starters i realized the most important things i learned i forgot the past few months while i was with him.  He became the center of my world practically! i realize this now.... i changed, bent over backwards, for him and what did i get in return....nothing really something to fill the void i suppose.  the feeling were real do not get me wrong but maybe it was the thought of him and not specifically him?  at least that is what i have concluded to. it makes better sense that way.

he called me last night and i've been ruminating through my head play by play second by second what happened.... i mean why am i torturing myself letting him get the best of me and taking more of my precious time....i have to stop this easier said than done but i know this is what i have to do.

i mean after i spoke to him i cried which was a relief i hadn't cried over it since i watched him leave.  HE LEFT ME! i have to keep that in the forefront of my mind. he chose to leave he decided long before he told me that he wanted to go he already left....see i am making this all make sense these are the answers to my questions or something....thank you 500 days of summer for putting things in a realistic POV....and shout out to mama monster aka lady gaga the shit she sings and says my god it is amazing!!! i love her...and taylor swift and the other "gotta get through this" & "heartbreak" songs...lol (some i have been listening to ... Sara Bareilles - gravity & king of anything, taylor swift fearless CD, ciara - never ever, pink - funhouse cd, rihanna - rehab, hard, and whatever else is on my vevo playlist!) one super song i cam across is i pray for you - jaron and the long road to love


music video - i think i also posted this dunno how to work share buttons in youtube


anyway back to what i learned.....
i learned 

1. cannot tolerate bullshit or drama
2. i need consideration respect and love
3. i will not settle for good enough i want the best i want the world i know i deserve it
4. excuses are excuses
5. what responsibility and commitment really mean to me
6. i have to stop wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to red flags
7. i will know when 
8. i have to live my life
9. i will no longer wait around and then feel like shit for doing so
10. i will not fucking compromise myself and everything i believe in

that is all i can think of for now not much of a long list because i am getting sleepy haha i hate getting up early blah! and it's his stupid bday tomorrow ciao i will write soon xxxo

making progress

tonight is the first night i actually don't miss him....and realize that it is ok that i am enjoying my life despite the situation i am in.

i think that is progress for sure!  i am learning to sleep in my bed alone again....it's actually in a weird way nice to hog the bed lol and nice to sleep in a room that is the temperature that i want! haha

anyway i had a great night =)  today was my baby cousin's birthday she is 20 today.   I feel old but i know i am young....i have a lot of living still left to do....but being she turned 20 today it made me realize how drastic my life has changed since i was 20. 

When i was 20 i was getting into all sorts of trouble.  Didn't know which way i was going or what i was doing or wanted to do with my life.  Now at 24 i have goals, i am responsible (sorta anyways lol), i know what i want outta my life and i know what i can and can not tolerate.  I did a lot of growing up in the last 4 years.  

I dunno if i mentioned that i want to write "let go" letters....maybe i will write one tonight....dunno

besides that i am going up to New England to see friends this weekend!  I will be traveling through Rhode Island then making my way to Massachusetts then back to Jersey Sunday.  I am excited the last time i was up there was January...it's been way too long...lol i practically missed summer. haha which i can't even believe is almost over!

Anywho i have to get up early tomorrow so I will write some more soon and maybe who knows i might right that letter tonight...or maybe after the weekend....

xxxo

PSsorry these are short and not detailed yet i am still learning how to blog freely....

"Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better."-- Jim Rohn

I pray for strength and enlightenment....i can get through this and come out better and stronger for it

Semisonic - closing time

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginnings End

Today's moon phase is the new moon.  It is a significant because it is said it is a good time to start something, recharge a goal or it is a perfect time to quit something.  To me this is significant because a drastic change has occurred in my life.  I lost a love that I thought would be the last love of my life.  I will not bore you with the details or maybe you want to know but for now I can not divulge such information because as you know there are two sides to every story and it wouldn't be fair to have just one. Anyway with the close to this last relationship it made me realize i need to re-evaluate and reassess my values, beliefs, wants, needs, and whatever else I am missing lol that make up who I am, that make up me.

I've been wanting to get my wrists finished. ( you will notice i will break off into tangents...lol)  I mean finish getting them inked.  The reason i bring this up is because it is related to the journey to finding and falling in love with myself.  I have had a incredible past one that no one in one lifetime should ever have to endure, unfortunately but fortunately i have.  I have learned from every experience that has made me who i am today.  I feel that if i can sand down the rough jagged edges of some parts of me maybe i can finally fully move on.  I don't just mean trauma but also failed relationships from everywhere from my father to the last relationship i have had...to deaths i've dealt with trials tribulations just everything.  One of my plans is to write letters to help me fully let go....and with this said until i completely mend myself i will not and can not get my wrists finished lol.....so ::whip cracking sound:: i will get this shit done haha....

Right now i wanna thank the people who have stood by me and showed me love and support through this difficult time.  Thank you for helping me stay focused and centered.  Thank you for helping me put things in perspective and smacking those damn rose colored glasses right of my face ;)  

I'm out xxxo